Foolish Old Men
by vernajast
Summary: The thing between himself and Orochimaru - respect, acceptance - whatever it is...was, it meant nothing. Giving up on something hopeless like that is his usual solution. Past unrequited Jiraiya/Orochimaru, present empty Jiraiya/Anko. AU-ish canon.


_**Warnings: **Angst. __Actual story is about past Jiraiya/Orochimaru, but present __Jiraiya/Anko implied (a purely physical relationship, she's ~15/16, few sparse details, not enough to raise rating). Canon world/timeline. Four years after Kyuubi's attack and Minato's death.  
_

_**And some random notes:** In my head, Orochimaru says "Jiraiya" as he does in the raw anime - "Jeeraiya." And Anko doesn't really understand everything about Orochimaru (she returned to the village at age 12, though maybe her history was filler not canon?), so she adores him and overlooks the more questionable parts. This is the personality with which I roleplay her (in this time period), so I hope it works for you._

_Italics = flashback, mostly_

* * *

**Foolish Old Men  
****by vernajast**

_jiraiya x orochimaru_

_**it means nothing**_

**_Four years post-Kyuubi._**

"I hear ya saw Sensei, ji-san..."

He casts doleful eyes on the young girl, but then tousles her dyed hair and smiles. "Yes, Anko-chan, I did." If the warmth of that smile never reaches his eyes, neither minds the lie. It's easier to pretend.

"Ya get to talk to him? Did he say he's comin' back?" She wiggles a bit on his lap; whether purposefully or not, he can't say. Doesn't care.

"He didn't. In fact..." His rich voice falls silent. He exhales loudly. He sips his sake, no longer aware of the flavor.

She takes the opportunity to do the same, and he admires the close view of her full, pink lips on the rim of the cup. He can't tell her that her beloved sensei isn't coming back, so he slides a fumbling hand up under the front of her shirt and she laughs, and for a while he lets it be enough.

* * *

_"You are never going to win, Jiraiya." Orochimaru slipped through his defenses again, effortlessly shoving a bony knee into Jiraiya's stomach. "You never have."_

_If Sarutobi-sensei were there, it would signal the end of the match, but he wasn't in the village. He wasn't even in the country._

_If Tsunade-hime found them fighting, she would knock them both out cold, but she was taking extra shifts at the hospital helping with the newest round of casualties._

_Left to their own devices, Jiraiya and Orochimaru had finally come to blows after an initial three hours of shocking cooperation._

_"That's 'cause...I've always...held back-" Gasping between syllables, he didn't stand a chance at detecting Orochimaru's next attack: some kind of ninjutsu that pelted him squarely in the back of the head. Again. And again. The world began to fade as Jiraiya's vision quickly tunneled down to a silvery speck of light._

_And just as it was about to wink out of existence, the encroaching darkness halted and their surroundings began to return, filtering in through the pain._

_Orochimaru was looking at him with a wholly unfamiliar expression: his face was pinched with worry, eyes shadowed by concern, guilt, and a more disturbing emotion Jiraiya didn't want to attempt to fully explore from his miserable vantage point._

_When he finally managed to crawl to his knees, his teammate's gaze was as cold as ever and Jiraiya held it with his own until his legs gave out, uncerimoniously dropping him to the mangled ground. Watched him until Orochimaru turned his pale, lean back and walked away._

* * *

"Ji-san..." She whispers in the dark against his ear. Her hot breath tickles the skin of his cheek and reminds him he isn't alone.

"What?" It comes out only slightly harsher than intended.

Her aborted words are lost in a sigh, and she fits her body against his side without saying anything at all. He wonders if she's jealous and of whom. He wonders if she's guessed-not that it matters.

* * *

_There was a shiny black lock of hair in Jiraiya's pouch when he finally turned away from his unconscious former teammate, convinced he was a very foolish man indeed. He was breaking his promise-to himself, Tsunade, Sensei-but this time, it was his own eyes overflowing with guilt and worry and that same something deeper that he was starting to finally recognize for what it was._

_Not that **this** had anything to do with **that**._

_**The biggest fool of all.** Orochimaru had always said so._

_By the time he reached the village and gave his report, he was already half-drunk and losing himself. It seemed perfectly natural to seek out Anko, the closest person to Orochimaru._

_She became a convenient stand-in on more than one occasion._

* * *

Jiraiya leaves her in the pale, lean light of dawn and heads out of the gate, out of the village, out of the country. He flies through the forest until the trees become fields, and the fields become mountains.

This isn't about searching for anyone or anything, save for himself. It isn't about **friendship** or **feelings**, only shame. He isn't asking about _his_ whereabout, and he isn't trying to find him.

Giving up is the hardest part, but he does it, because in the end it meant nothing. It _means_ nothing. And just as he understands the folly of caring too much for his students-a certain blond one most of all-or pinning too much hope on the future, this too is a lesson Jiraiya learns well.

_(it isn't until years later that another blond student who looks like minato and acts like jiraiya comes along and changes **everything**)_

[ .end ]


End file.
